Yesterday a friend betrayed me. Publicly.
It hurt. I went from disbelief, to shock, to anger. This is a person I’ve given great support to. I couldn’t understand why they would do this to me.
Yes there have been numerous little, passive aggressive behaviors from this person over the years, things I always explained away and let slide by. But this time? Not so easy to make excuses for what they did.
What Now?
My choices are simple.
- Get bitter. Can’t do that. That’s like ingesting a drop of poison every day and expecting it to hurt my betrayer.
- Strike back. Nope. Evil and hate have never conquered evil and hate.
- Act from a place of love. Yes. It’s the only path if I want life.
And what is love? God is love. And the nature of Love is spelled out in I Corinthians 13. Love is not offended. (I was offended.) Love is not provoked. (I was provoked.) Love keeps no record of wrong. (Does that mean I have to let go of my memory of what this person did and has done to me? Yep.)
This doesn’t mean I keep stepping into the lion’s cage after its claws ripped down my back. Wisdom tells me to stay out of the cage. But if I am walking in the love of Abba, I let go of what was done to me, I hold no record, and I think of this person with kindness, with patience; hoping for them, and believing all things for them. I love them.
And this is only possible by grasping that this is how my Father loves me.
Comments 20
Just came across this post. The title called my attention because I’ve been there. Many times.. My private life exposed by a bitter pastor to a merciless church. This is life in ministry, I guess. My husband is a pastor. My family and I have been exposed online, lies and more lies. Impossible to defend ourselves. Evil and lies are louder. Two week ago, more lies online. Reason? A grave sin? (as if throwing stones was Jesus’s command). No. Politics. A simple comment. An angry response online that even involved my daughter from a friend I’ve known for 20 years. I’ve learned bitterness is the worst path. I’ve also learned that grace comes from the unexpected. That is why I write about grace in my novels. Only the grace of God can help us heal, can help us learn, can help us extend grace to others. Thanks for sharing. Grace to you.
Author
I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve gone through, Luisa, and yet … you’re right. It’s these fires that refine and teach us how to love anyway. In the end, all is grace.
Wonderful message. Gary Zukav also writes of this kind of response, and describes how when we are betrayed we are shown where and how we are responsible for the betrayal. Working on it.
Author
Yes, we’re always working on it! And we keep gettin chances to do so. 🙂
Jim it has been awhile since you posted this. I wonder if you would care to comment on how you feel about it and about that person today. What have you learned? What has worked well? What was difficult? I would appreciate your perspective on this now that some time has passed, please, if you care to share it.
I’m just connecting to this newsletter, and the conundrum Jim posed. I think there is a difference between coddling a memory in your head, and the almost impossible task of forgetting. One antidote to hanging onto a hurt is committing to pray things into the other person’s life and hoping, watching for the fruits of those qualities. I can think of over a dozen verses. Ps 17:18, PS 20: 1-2, PS 46:1, et cetera. Seeing how/why that person is acting out of a vulnerable place sometimes coincides with praying for them.
Sorry you got clawed,bro. Been there, had that happen. Blessings,
PS loved the chair (and the respect you gave the older woman) loved Jake Palmer (just finished today; glad you didn’t just plaster over his introjects (things he took into his soul and believed b4 he was old enough to fight the poison) by saying he needed to forgive without knowing the wounds he carried. Loved pages of her life. Done with sensitivity to the way women are socialized.
Forgiveness is the key to Freedom in Christ. Good for you. If you find trouble getting that freedom, I have found freshstartforallnations.org programs quite helpful.
I am just finishing up your Well Spring series. Really enjoying the mix of fiction and deep spiritual truths. It was really interesting to be at a PRMI Dunamis retreat and hearing many of the same concepts we had been discussing during the day echoed in your book (I was on Soul’s Gate) as I drifted to sleep for a nap or at night (not that YOUR books put me to sleep…audio books are my cure for painsomnia (inability to sleep due to pain) and an over-active mind. And if I can’t sleep, then at least I’m entertained!). I’m glad I’ve found them. I look forward to sharing them with others, and reading more of your books. I always knew, deep down, that the “magic” was real. Looking forward to exploring how deep The Spirit will take me into the Freedom and authority we have in Christ Jesus.
Betrayal is so difficult to understand, especially when it comes from a friend or a family member. When it happened to me, the stages were shock and disbelief, then hurt, then anger, then bitterness (which always comes after anger), then the desire to forgive, then prayers to help with forgiving when a person has no intention of apologizing or even admitting that their betrayal was wrong.
What if ‘staying out of the lion’s cage’ is pretty much impossible? It makes me wonder, how would Jesus (and the other diciples) have treated Judas, if Judas were his brother and did not hang himself?
Hello Jim,
I just finished your book Rooms.
Powerful.
I intend to read more of your books. I just discovered Rooms at a Christian bookstore.
James L. Rubart novels will be added to my collection of favorites.
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. Forgiveness is not about the other person, forgiveness is about you being at peace with yourself. It is letting go of anger, hurt and humiliation. That gives you inner peace. Inner peace brings strength. You can use that strength to understanding. Understanding opens up the door to share that peace with the one who hurt you. Approaching the situation with peace, love and understanding and Gods grace can open the door to bringing back a friendship that was lost by cruel words. It works. I know. Been there
Love,forgive, let go of the bad words, but stay out of the Lion’s Cage.Moving forward can be a challenge, especially when the Lion cage appears.
Trying to forget helps, yet remembering keeps one guarded but safe. Like putting on the armor of God without getting caught up in the moment and the feeling. Letting go and giving it to God to take the hurt and mistrust and doing what God needs to do with it. For one thing , a person cannot control another person’s actions only one’s own actions can be kept in check with the help of God and the Holy Spirit.
Author
Love those thoughts, Marie Anne.
Hey Jim, have loved your trilogy, rooms, the chair, Book of Days, they got me through a very tough season 2 years ago on a sabbatical from Christian ministry work. I was thrilled to see you did the audio for The Forgotten Way. Haven’t heard it yet, but am on my 4th read through the meditations. This blog shows the rubber meeting the road! Was wondering how you came to know Ted and got involved. Your work is definitely blessed and anointed by Poppa! Love you brother!
Author
Donna,
Thrilled to hear my stories got you through some difficult parts of the journey. So glad you like The Forgotten Way. Powerful!
Ted and met a number of years ago and became friends and when he was looking for someone to do the audio version he thought of me and asked me to audition. I got so much out of the book by reading it!
Love back atacha,
Jim
I love reading your books, all of them. I hope you have a new one in the works.
Author
Hi Bryan,
So fun to hear that!
Yes, next book is called, The Man He Never Was and comes out in February.
Freedom,
Jim
Jim I am currently reading your book Soul’s Gate, wow, it not only has impacted me but has reopened my eyes to the spiritual possibilities that God has intended for us. God bless you!
Author
Ah, that makes my day, Reggie! Thank you!
Wow Jim! But God. And a teachable spirit and a willingness to follow Jesus down the hard path. Thank you for setting a good example.
Author
Appreciate you, Kristy. 🙂